A Smokers Bill of Rights - A brain dump

Cruel World,

When you see us in the corner lighting up why do you give us that beaming stare. Have I wronged you in anyway? Then you have the nerve to give me one of those fake, crocodile coughs. Big deal. My lungs are filled with this shit, and I can still function.

Now I am not invincible and I know its bad for me, but please consider my experience. I grew up in a country with no laws on tobacco to minors. I smoked hookah when I was probably 12 in an establishment down the road from my modest 2 bedroom in Karama, Dubai. Oh I remember the days! Get on the terrace of the building, we used to bring cans of coke and quality tortilla chips. We strategically also bought with us some reserve deodorant. And for the creme-de-la-creme, a 20-pack of either Luckies (AED 4.50), Charms (AED 2.00), L&M (AED 4.50), Marlboro (AED 6.00), Gold Flake (AED 3.00), Peter Stuyvesant (AED 5.00) or Phillip Morris Menthols (AED 4.50). Oooooh the menthols...the first time was the best I've ever had.

Oh and it was convenient as well! Cafeteria's used to sell them for 50 fills (15 cents) a cigarette. I even had 'my special place' - it was my smoking alley, where no one could find me...no uncles, no aunties, no family. I even helped the watchman/doorman write the English address on a letter he was sending to India. And ever since, we've always met up when I go back to the alley. My friends have frequented the alley as well. It's a testament to my paranoia. In Hindi, it is my 'adha'!

Before I digress anymore, I'm pissed at paying $8.75 a pack. Little runts like me who smoke from an early age are fucking limited in numbers these days man. Increasing the price doesn't affect them because the U.S. has fucking tobacco laws.

I don't really mind the price increase, helps me cut down, but shit man... And for all you ladies out there that don't dig smokers...do you know what one of the reasons is that we took up smoking?? It's 'cool', yes...and you loved that shit. Not anymore apparently, you now like crooning hipsters with tight jeans and "figure me out..I'm deep but disturbed" little weed who has lived in the comfort of suburbia!! God damn it man, these punks spend more time on their hair than I spend on reading the 'Wealth of Nations' and the Bible.

Let me focus again. "Oh my god...that is so disgusting", "Quit or it will kill you" and "You stink" doesn't cut it man. I'm really really pissed. Please be sensitive, my situation is not that I'm a victim or a smoker by choice. i am a spectrum between the two. I didn't start in grad school or college....I started in the fucking 7th grade because I was a bored tool who didn't like video games. I'm hooked. When anyone asks a smoker whats that smell....we should reply.. "It's the fragrance of fucking death".

Oh and we do pay for it! It's tax dollars going to Medicare and Medicaid. And it is a multi billion dollar business. Where do I sue, and lawyers who read this, please advise? I need the sue both the public and private sector and make a shit ton.

When you see a smoker thank him...he/she is actually saving lives. We also keep folks employed in big tobacco American jobs - blue collar - raise taxes and they loose out, thanks to dead weight loss. You can't ship those jobs overseas man. You can ban smoking in the bars and I can take it....but if I'm outside the bar, please don't give me that look. I would much like to watch the scenery around me rather than waste my 5 minutes of reflection in accommodating you. I beg you...please don't judge me...I'm actually a good person. Smokers are a misunderstood bunch, they are either the villains or the anti-heroes in media. You must be thinking now...wow this mofo thinks he's really special. Yes I am, I'm like any non-smoker and I'm like any human being who despises type casting and discrimination. Dig yourself out of that one.

Phew! That felt good! I just justified my habit.

Big shout out to all the people who feel this way....wear a shirt saying "I fund your social welfare programs bitch". We don't need respect, we don't really need anything except an open air space. It isn't government property. And oh ya...fuck Heathrow...a real BIG HAZARD we were...fucking labor party socialists.

Dear New York

"Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen"

Beastie Boys - An Open Letter to New York

Thank you New York...